My struggles with dating and getting out there as an introverted man with a fetish

One year ago, I came out to my parents as bisexual, letting them know I was more interested in dating men and seeing what happens. A year on, I haven’t had much progress on the dating front. I also haven’t got out to meet new people.

This is a very personal blog post. I’m going to discuss my feelings lately, what might be holding me back, and what I’m looking for. I’ll also comment on the current dating scene, particularly in Washington state. I wrote this mostly for myself, as a journal entry, but I’ve cleaned it up for publication so that I can be real with all of you.

My dating history

Before I touch on my recent struggles with dating, I want to reflect on my dating history. I’m pretty new to the dating scene, really. 

I had girls ask me out in junior high, but I refused all of them. I was scared in most cases, but in some, I didn’t share that mutual attraction in that way.

I dated twice in high school, with neither relationship lasting longer than a few months. My first relationship was with a good friend, and I didn’t know what it meant to be a boyfriend. 

The second time, I really had a crush on this girl. Like, people noticed the way I would look at her, and I felt so much happiness interacting with her and talking about our common interests. After speaking with some mutual friends about my feelings, they assured me she felt the same way about me. I ended up asking her to prom, and on the same day, I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She said, “Yes,” and we dated for a few months. We’d hang out and watch movies together, and we held hands often. 

But I graduated from high school, and she was a year younger than me. We hadn’t seen each other after graduation, as summer had started, and we both went on family vacations. Then, she abruptly broke up with me over text. I was furious and sad, as we’d never fought, and we were in constant communication. While I replied at first, trying to figure out why, I soon ghosted her for like a year. 

I didn’t date again after that for a very long time. In college, there were girls I had crushes on. Many of whom I worked with, so it felt wrong to ask. And I was pretty shy about it, though others took notice on two occasions and encouraged me. I never did ask anyone out on a date, though I came close a few times. I was more focused on school and maintaining my good friendships at the time.

This is one of my biggest regrets, as I later found out that multiple people had crushes on me, and I was too blind to see it or too shy to act on it. I would have dated most of them, too. But, it never happened. 

Around this time, I found myself questioning what my sexuality was. I found some well-known actors attractive. I suppressed my feelings and told myself it was no different than others having “male crushes.” I also knew full well about my latex and rubber fetish, so I wrote off my attraction to those wearing rubber as my fetish for the clothing.

After graduation, I transferred to another university in the area, and within a year I had moved to a new state, leaving all of my friends behind. This should have been a new opportunity to meet new people and date, but I never got out there in 2018 or 2019. When I started to feel comfortable in the area, COVID struck, and I found myself staying away from others for the most part. 

I was on dating apps in Utah, but it was always odd to me. Most women were Mormon, and I had no intention of becoming religious or adhering to those ideals. Furthermore, I was already conflicted about my sexuality, and it only continued to grow.

Not to mention, this entire time I knew that I had a latex/rubber fetish, and there was no way to get rid of it. Whoever I ended up with would need to accept me for who I am, and I was afraid of having that conversation with anyone.

Still, I tried. I swiped on the dating apps and only got one or two matches the entire time. I guess women in Utah either didn’t find me attractive (I barely find myself attractive, so I get it. Everyone on social media tells me how hot I am in rubber, but I’ve never heard those sorts of compliments from anyone else in my life) or were scared by the fact that I wasn’t Mormon. 

When I left Utah at the end of 2022, I hoped that I’d have better luck dating in a state that wasn’t so LDS-influenced. But, I was so busy with work and family that I didn’t hop onto any dating apps. Plus, I knew I was likely bisexual or somewhere in that realm, leaning closer to gay than straight. But, if I just started dating guys, that would really throw my family off. I wanted to come out before doing anything “rash.”

Coming out

I came out as bisexual on June 1, 2023, to my parents. I later told my immediate family and some close friends. This was enough to make me feel comfortable with starting to date men and seeing what happens. At this point, I was 26, and I hadn’t dated in years. I felt like a complete failure. But, this was a new beginning.

Read my coming out blog post

Dating in the modern day

After coming out, I started using dating apps to try and find a match. It took a minute, but I eventually started getting matches, particularly on Tinder and Bumble. I chatted with a few guys, but most guys never replied to my initial messages. 

One of my biggest issues with dating now is that you can match with someone, but they never write to you to reply to messages. Why match if you aren't going to at least say, “Hello”?

Look. I’m as introverted as they come. I stress over every message, about getting things wrong, asking the wrong questions, or not asking enough questions, or if not using a pick-up line automatically puts me in the discard pile. I don’t enjoy interacting with strangers or being vulnerable with those I don’t know. Even knowing I’ll likely publish this very personal blog post is stressful. But, I still TRY to initiate a conversation, even if I fumble it. If only others would give me the 10 seconds it takes to reply or tell me they aren’t interested anymore. Like, fuck.

To illustrate my point, here’s how recent matches on Tinder have gone:

• Match 1: No reply
• Match 2: No reply
• Match 3: No reply
• Match 4: He was looking for friends, and we exchanged a few messages, but he stopped replying
• Match 5: I never replied because I was chatting with someone more seriously on Bumble and went on a date, and now I worry it’s too late. That introvertedness struck again
• Match 6: We chatted, but English is his second language, so there was some miscommunication. I probably need to try a bit harder
• Match 7: No reply
• Match 8: No reply
• Match 9: No reply
• Match 10: Actively chatting, but no dates yet
• Match 11: I didn’t message them to see if they would message first. As always, they didn’t, so I’ll probably say, “Hello”

I did eventually go on a date with a guy I had been chatting with for weeks on Bumble. It was a lot of fun, and I thought we really connected. But, he was quite busy with work and school, and being an introvert, my replies weren’t always timely, or I tended to overthink my replies. I think that was pretty obvious. He ended up telling me he didn’t think things would work out, and I agree, but it was a disappointing end to some really good conversations we had been having. I still think we could be good friends, though, as we have much in common.

I’ve joined lots of dating apps. Archer. Facebook Dating. Hinge. I downloaded Grindr, but I’m so confused by the terrible user interface and functionality. Like, seriously, who designed this fucking app? It’s awful. So, I don’t use it. There’s also Recon. 

The issue with Grindr and Recon is that everyone just wants to fuck or meet up in rubber for some play, but I really want to take things slower than that. I want to get to know someone and establish a connection. This might have made me come off as a bit curt or uninterested in those apps, but it is what it is.

That leaves me on Facebook, Archer, and Tinder. Facebook Dating is an absolute garbage fire. It shows you people who don’t live near you, despite filters. And, it seems to not realize that Canada is a different country than where I live because it always shows me people in Canada.

So, why am I relying on dating apps? Why can’t I go meet people the old-fashioned way? 

First, workplaces used to be a place where you might meet someone. However, I work from home. I spend most of my time at home, meeting nobody new. 

Second, I don’t have many friends anymore, so meeting new people is really challenging. Who am I going to bars with? Nobody. So, I stay home or hang with my family and go on hikes. I’m also introverted, so the idea of talking to strangers at a bar or social event is so foreign to me. It scares me. How do you start a conversation with someone randomly in person? At least with dating apps, everyone has an intention.

So, the past year has seen many attempts at messaging people, getting ignored, and only going on one date. Not good, especially for my mental health.

There’s some hope on the horizon, though. I’ve been chatting with some people, so, hopefully, that turns into dates. There’s also this new Seattle Rubbermen group that’s hosting meetups in Seattle. I really want to attend these events, and hopefully make some new friends and start getting out there more. I really need to come out of my shell, and I think this is one way to accomplish that.

What I’m looking for

With my poor luck at dating, you might think I have really high standards. And you’d be partially right. Being super attractive is obviously a plus. I think we all swipe based on physical appearance. That said, you don’t have to be the hottest person in the world to catch my eye. I want to date someone who is super passionate about something. I gravitate toward people who have drive, who have grit and determination, and who care deeply about something. It could be writing, photography, healthcare, nature, conversation, whatever. 

I’m also looking for someone with something in common with me. We don’t have to have all the same interests, but I tend to swipe right on those who enjoy hiking, writing, reading, photography, travel, music, and other forms of art.

Compatibility is another consideration. I don’t smoke, and that includes not smoking weed. I also don’t drink much, and I tend to view excessive alcohol consumption or marijuana use as a negative. Blame it all on my roots, but that’s just not me. Family plans are another consideration. I haven’t ruled out the idea of children, but I know many have. 

I also don’t participate in the master/slave dominant/submissive roles involved with kink, which is where using apps like Recon became an issue. I could never be submissive to someone in the way many desire, and I also couldn’t inflict the sort of pain or verbal abuse that some submissives want. I just want someone accepting of my rubber and latex fetish, preferably who is also into it, and who can become my best friend. Someone to go do fun things with and cuddle and become inseparable.

And, of course, distance is a factor. Living 50, 60, 70 miles away makes being in a relationship challenging. It isn’t a dealbreaker, but it’s something to consider, especially for someone like me who absolutely hates driving and finding parking. Why doesn’t Washington have better transportation outside of Seattle? I also live a way out from the city itself, making attending many meetups and events challenging.

Red flags that I need to work on

It wouldn’t be fair to complain about others and the modern dating scene without reiterating that I’m not perfect. I have flaws. I’m to blame for some of these situations not turning out the way I’d hoped.

Some of my biggest red flags are:

• I’m introverted and tend to overthink things or struggle to communicate as often as I should. I’m honest and open, but I can sometimes ignore a message for a day because I don’t have the capacity to respond. I also come across as shy and quiet at social gatherings. I’ve had no shortage of co-workers and former employers tell me that I’m the quietest person they’ve ever met.
• My fetish. This will probably scare a number of people away when they find out. At least, that’s my fear.
• I’m inexperienced. If someone wants a more experienced partner, that isn’t me.
• I’m not out to everyone. My sexuality isn’t public to most, which is probably holding me back a bit.
• I still live with my parents. I do this to save money with the ridiculous housing and rent prices in Washington. I pay them rent, and I’m able to save up money for my future, as I’d like to buy a home. I have no debt, and I’m very fiscally responsible. I work full-time, and I have benefits like health insurance and retirement. However, my living situation is enough to make some people uninterested. 

Conclusion

So, that’s what dating is like for me. Lots of silence, not getting out to meet people, and trying to find my soulmate in an era where people don’t seem interested in a more traditional monogamous relationship. I haven’t given up hope, but it is discouraging. 

That’s my story for now. Hopefully, I’ll have some happier updates to share in the future.

If this is your first time visiting my site, hello! I’m LatexRocker/Rubberium. You can check out some of my other articles to learn more about my experiences with latex and rubber and learn more about the fetish/kink community.

Thanks for reading.